The first three months were hard with twins. I mean like survival of the fittest, hard. I had NO idea how much work raising two babies would be! I was pretty naive to what motherhood with newborns would be like. I honestly thought that I wouldn't mind being up at all hours of the night. I thought I would spend my days drinking coffee and watching Netflix on the couch while the babies entertained themselves. I had NO idea that babies could cry THAT much! I had no idea that I would be bothered by the crying so much. I didn't realize how precious a full night's sleep was, until I no longer got any sleep. I was naive to it all. Looking back, I don't have a ton of memories of the first three months with our boys. Sure there was visits from friends and family, Father's Day, our first camping trip, lots of walks to Starbucks, and our first road trip. But, the in-between moments, I hardly remember. I think blurring it out is my coping mechanism.
I think trying to forget it is how we survived, because it was so hard. I cried A LOT in those first few months. I cried when the babies cried, I cried when they didn't cry, any little thing could set me off. I cried when my boobs got stretch marks at SEVEN weeks postpartum, I cried when I discovered a hemorrhoid, I cried when my hair fell out, I cried looking at the pooch over my incision scar, I cried because I was resentful towards people who were living their lives with their newborns and able to go out and do things, I cried because I hated breastfeeding (especially tandem), I cried because I loved the boys so much my heart exploded when I looked at them. The first few months were one big crying sesh!!
I felt as if there were no end in sight. There was never an end to a day. I never slept for more than 2 hours at a time. It was brutal. I never felt like I would "get ready for bed". When was bedtime? The boys were up every 3 hours to eat, each nursing session took an hour, then time to get them back to sleep. It was never-ending. I often didn't get into bed until midnight, and I "started" my day around 6 a.m. That way, I usually only had to get up for one feed in the dark. Otherwise, I would spend my time doing laundry, watching t.v., or try and have a bath to soothe my hemorrhoid, while I waited for the next feed. We often got my parents to take the boys out for a walk just to have 60 minutes of quiet. I would sit on the couch and binge eat chocolate and watch Real Housewives, and just relish in the time I had to myself.
I love my babies, don't get me wrong. I would do anything for them to be happy and healthy. But during those first few months, it was brutal! Nothing made them happy sometimes. They'd just cry and cry and cry. We would pack them up and drive for hours just hoping they'd sleep. I thought, if I could just get a full night's sleep, I could handle the day time cries and fusses and busyness. But with no end in sight, and no 8 hours of sleep coming my way, I felt hopeless. I hated being alone with the boys incase they got fussy. What was I supposed to do with two screaming babies? It was impossible to soothe them both at the same time. And to pay more attention to one than the other, well that was just unfair. So, usually they both went into their swings and I would stare at them, or call my mom or Tim crying, begging someone to come over and help.
Then in August, when the boys were around 3 months, they started to become more content. At night we usually got 4-6 hours of sleep in one stretch. It was glorious. The baby fog started to lift, and I started to get into the groove of things. I actually felt like there was a night and day. I felt like each morning was a new day, instead of just an extension of the long day before.
Times were still hard, and tough, and frustrating, and lonely sometimes, but at least I was sleeping more at night. I felt more clarity in my days. For about a month, things went like clockwork with eating, sleeping, and playtimes. Until they didn't anymore. It seemed like the boys were going through a sleep regression around 4 months. So, on a random Thursday, in September when everyone had just gone back to work, I decided to sleep train. And that is a whole other blog post in itself.
Thanks for reading,
MRS. + MAMA