Taylor Haine1 Comment

A NAGGING FEELING

Taylor Haine1 Comment
A NAGGING FEELING

When we found out we were pregnant with twins, all my feelings changed towards pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I basically went into survival mode and did everything in my power to make it to 34 weeks (at this point we would be able to deliver in Cranbrook). 

If we were blessed with a singleton, I would have been more easy going about waiting until delivery to find out the sex of our baby. But with twins, I had to know. I felt it was the only thing I could control in the pregnancy. I cared about the babies in my belly, but I didn't feel I had any bond with them. I didn't know their sex, and because there were two of them we had three scenarios: two girls, two boys, or one of each. I felt that if I knew WHO was in my belly, I could develop a relationship with the two growing babies. I expressed my feelings to Tim, and he understood and so when we went to Calgary at 19 weeks, we decided to find out our babies' genders. 

I was excited about finding out, but then I thought: would I be disappointed when I found out? Would I feel less excited because I had ruined the surprise? I said out loud before we went, "What if it's two boys?!" In my heart, I wanted a girl so badly. Tim and I thought we would have one of each. I never at one point felt that there were two girls inside of me. I was so worried that we'd have two boys. I don't know how to raise boys. I don't like trucks and dirt. I don't like boy things!!! I had all of these thoughts, and my mom just kept saying, "Just wish for two healthy babies. That's all that matters." And yes, that's all that matters, but deep down, I wished for a girl. I am SURE that many of you have hoped for one gender and gotten the other. And while we love our children no matter what, some of us have the desire to raise certain genders. It is one of my greatest wishes to be blessed with a girl who I can raise to be strong, independent, and kind. 

So, with all of these thoughts in mind, off we went to Calgary. On the drive, we picked out two boy names and two girl names. We were SET. 

Our appointment was early in the morning. We got up, got ready, and took our 19 week picture, and headed to the hospital. With a full bladder and an ever-growing belly, I was already uncomfortable sitting in the car. We were prepared for a minimum two hour appointment, and I was anxious that I couldn't lay on my back for that long. 

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We got into the room and got set up. I was lying on a bed, looking up at a large screen, and got to have Tim sitting beside me the entire time! Already I was more comfortable having Tim with me. Normally, your partner has to wait outside for the first while. But this time, because it was a detailed scan, we were able to watch the entire process. The tech that we got was young, quick, smart, and kind. She was great at explaining every body part to us. The babies were rolling around a lot, so I had to switch positions lots to get everything just right. I didn't realize how picky they are with getting a good image. For instance, they have to get an image of the hands open, not in fists. Our tech checked for everything: cleft palettes, working hearts (so incredible to see each of the 4 chambers and their little hearts just beating away), and brain size. I got a little teary eyed, just looking at our babies and hearing their hearts beating. 

I was given a break to pee and stretch, and when we got back, our tech said that she would reveal their genders. She said she knew right away, but she wanted to actually show us the parts. We settled back in, and I got super nervous! It all went so quick, and I just remember hearing Baby A is a Boy and here is his penis, and then I think I kind of blacked out just hoping Baby B would be a girl. But, before I knew it, the tech said, and Baby B is also a Boy! and then showed us his parts. I was relieved that we knew, but couldn't help feeling a bit of disappointment that my girl wasn't in there. We left the tech room and had to go wait in another room to meet with the Doctor and go over our results. While we waited I got teary while digesting my disappointment. Tim was really over the moon. But, he would've been thrilled with whatever outcome we got. Guys are wired differently and I don't believe that many of them harbour feelings of disappointment with gender. We went over the results, everything looked great. We had two very healthy boys!! 

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We went off to breakfast, and I have to say that as we left the office, I left my disappointment there. My bond started to grow with the two boys inside of me, and I already loved them so fiercely! I could now name them, and refer to them as boys and things really started to look up. 

Finding out the gender isn't everyone's cup of tea. I didn't find out so I could plan or organize (because I am not super girly or boyish anyways, I wouldn't have gone out and bought all frills and pink or trucks and blue haha), I found out simply to form a bond with the two darlings growing in me. And, it worked. 

Gender Reveal party coming up next! 

Thanks for reading. 

Taylor

mrs. + mama

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